Speaking of Fear

Seems to be my new topic lately. I’m letting go of mine. Let go of yours. I’ve often feared that my boss was out to get me. That I’ve become a burden to my work, and maybe sometimes that was true. I definitely hit a burn out phase just after 2008 as many of you did. But I’ve finally come to realize that maybe my boss is just trying to get me to my potential. Which is pretty cool. So don’t hate your boss. Love yourself and do good work. You will be fine.

Not that you give a fuck. But I’m getting back to writing in June. I’ve been out of commission for a good year and that is not working.

Also go read this it’s great. http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Mount-Guyot-Buddha-Palguta-ebook/dp/B00DX5NWWW/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

Tired of Being Motivated by Fear

I loaned some money to my nephew. He is a good kid, but young and not really an energetic kid. He would, when he was young, complain whenever he had to walk too far or sit too long, but he would always respond well to correction. He had and still has a gentle nature. Anyway, I loaned the kid sixty dollars. He was late in getting it back to me and I decided to instill a lesson in him. So I set a deadline, and said this is when you pay it back or don’t ever ask me for a favor. Harsh. Maybe. I called him on the day and he said I have it, but it’s in the bank, so next week I’ll get it to you uncle.

“No,” I said, “I’ll come and take you to the bank and you will pay me back on time and we will be good and all will be well.”

So I’m lecturing this poor kid on the way to the bank. When he starts asking me if I heard about the guy in the next city who stole some money from his friend’s business and then holed up in his house and the cops had to drag him out. Some shit like this, just some typical news story. I said look there are 20,000 people in that city and one guy had a bad time. Maybe one in our city will break down next month. So what? The news reports the exceptions, not the rule. Don’t worry about the news.

It has dawned on me though, I spent my life worrying about what the news told me to worry about. My parents were not much help, we were very poor and I studied despite them not caring much, my mom cared only that I get a degree. But I studied not what I wanted but what I thought would get me a job. I did so based on some news clip or blurb I heard about how the liberal arts majors (the stuff I enjoyed), these kids in liberal arts were struggling to find jobs.

Never has it occurred to me to do what I like. Except this little site lets me speak my mind. (Under an alias, because I’m still a coward.) This little site, the internet and writing in general have given me a tiny little voice in the vast world. I’m very grateful.

Back to the kid though, I made him pull the money out the bank. Hand it to me. Then I gave it back and made him buy me lunch. Look, he is 20 and braver than I ever was, he could have blown me off, but like a said, good kid.

I hope the lesson was a good one, I think it was. Pay your debts, but expect compassion from family, right? Did he even get it? I don’t know.

But the other lesson, the better lesson, your lesson, is to ignore the news, the world is full of good people not the people you see on the news in America. Events are tame and beautiful, not exciting like the news would have you believe.

Don’t be driven by fear. Let your internal drivers be knowledge, truth, and excellence, whatever but NOT fear. If you find yourself quoting a news story to someone or to yourself especially, just stop, the likelihood of that story being true in America, is very slim, and the likelihood of it being the exception to the rule is very wide.

So be smart out there, people. Pay your debts, be kind to family, ignore the news, and let your passion drive you not fear.

I’m far too old to have just figured this out, but I did.

J

Ranger

So apparently, this Ranger character I built for D&D 5 sucks. I’m building a new one…something bad-ass and fun dammit. I guess the whole idea of this character is kind of broken. I’m a suck role player anyway, so I thought it was just me. Nope. It’s the whole archetype or whatever. Time to make a Wizardy type character.

Tough

Tough to you if you can’t find the time. I know how it is, got to keep up with that young kid. Worry about these bastard, cold-blooded managers removing you for some younger, faster worker. And oh while you are keeping up, your energy level is dropping, reflexes are slowing, eyes getting worse. Such is life, suck it up. No wonder so many older guys bust their asses so hard. There is no rest for you my friend, no rest till the day you die.

But if you do take a moment, maybe a vacation to read a book, think freely and let possibilities flow though you. What if you could do something different, be someone better. Don’t worry I’m not trying to sell you anything, not right now anyway, go check out my eBooks later. I’m just trying to get you to think a little. Think about the last time you just let go and followed a bird as it just hopped about and pecked at the ground. The last time you just stared at the water and watched the waves go up and down. Try and take those nice thoughts back to your life with you. Hold on to them. Maybe let them influence a decision or two. Then maybe, just maybe we will have a kinder, calmer world.

I’ve learned to meditate and to loosen up a little. It’s been good for me. I’m still wound pretty tight but I’ve grown, and it was needed. If I’m ever going to write anything decent, I’ll need to know that peaceful feeling and I’ll need to know how to generate it in others as they read the words, that, let’s face it, I did NOT write in that state. I haven’t written much, but I’ve written enough to know that it’s work. And to do it well, it’s damn hard work and it take a lot of time, focus and dedication. Prolonged effort over time my friends. Lots of time.
So I say tough, tough to you buddy. You can’t find the time? If you can’t find the time then you are not a writer. Because a writer writes, always.

Get Out, Wait, Stay Home and Vote

Americans had another chance to show what they value most this past holiday. Apparently it’s cheap, giant, flat screen televisions. Walmart and other retailers are taking a vote this year and for the past couple. Do you want to shop or have a dinner with your family? You vote when you buy on their terms, when they say, and when you should be at home having a holiday. And you voted for more shopping and more crap.

It’s fine to go get a tv when it’s on sale, but when you do it on Thanksgiving. You are telling everyone that a tv is more important than our American holiday of Thanksgiving. That a tv is more important than tradition. That a tv is more important than family. You could have shown Walmart that you care about more than cheap electronics, that you don’t need to be shopping on your precious, dwindling time away from work and commerce.

But not you, you need to be working and spending constantly don’t you. Why? What is the end game? And what did you miss while you stood in line. Maybe your baby niece rolled over for the first time. Maybe grandpa finally revealed the chili recipe. Maybe we had dessert without you, and we felt thankful for what we had, each other, but not you, you were in line at walmart.

Maybe next year they will offer a Christmas morning Ipad. Will you go to Walmart then? What about a cheap foreign made rifle on Memorial Day? Have some pride, you are more than a consumer! More than a tube where the money goes in one end from your boss and out the other for junk at the lowest price.

Well enjoy that tv, but remember that you get what you pay for and you get what you ask for…you voted for shopping on your holidays and you got it now, and will continue to get it for the foreseeable future.

I’m Back!

Fucking virus writing pieces of shit took down my site. Fuck you hackers, crackers and dirty fucking slackers. Man! I had to go file by file and pull out the dirty virus code. Worse than cleaning up dog shit.

But I’m back and feeling good (what you can’t tell by all the swearing that I’m feeling good? Well fuck you :))

Let’s see where are we? Oh yeah. Nowhere. That is OK though. Cuz I got a real gaming group for the first time and we are doing D&D’s the Hoard of the Dragon Queen and it’s super fun and what an amazing game D&D is and it took me several years to weasel my way into this group and I’m so grateful to be a part of it (run on intentional read faster!) I see why guys get crazy about roleplaying. Finally a group of my very own. I was going to buy and paing mini’s for everyone for the holidaze but the wife said they would tease me if I did. I guess I won’t, but maybe I will anyway, Or at least something for the GM.

So if I give up my writing time for this. It’s fine. It’s group writing anyway. Fun as fucking.

I think I said I was going to stop swearing on here. I am. I want my kids to read this someday.

Out for now. Thanks for reading and thank you universe for D&D, all other games and game designers, family, THC, alcohol, great stories and thier tellers and fuck you virus writing scum fucking assholes.

A Poem

I needed to just blow some energy out. So I wrote this poem. I find poetry is a nice way to complain like the litte baby that I am, but I’m complaining while holding flowers and smiling and oh look I have some money for you. So it’s not just complaining. I tried hard to keep a different person in mind here (not myself for once.) This is a poem to any young person who would stumble across my blog, and the message is this.

Go do art! Go do something! Take risks and say “Fuck you” to some old dopey people. You don’t have long to play the game that way. But if you play that way, play it all the way, but know it’s just a game where you choose the win condition. And when you decide you’ve won, choose a new win condition.

Anyway here is my poem.

Persist

A plea from me to you
Do what you want to do
A plea from me to me
Be what you want to be

Don’t stop and don’t stray
I’m screaming “just stay”
A plea from me to you
I’m weeping “just stay”

Please, I know it’s frightening
both hands around the lightning
A plea from me to you
Do what you want to do

Adrift

I thought I had it worked out. Not so much. Who does? I know that I’m headed in the right direction. Watch what I do now. I’m done with complaining and ranting. I want to enlighten, maybe even help some people if I can. I always thought I wanted to write to get away from people, turns out the opposite is true, I want to write to get closer to people, to you. Please come and check out my blog, I will be on about people, creativity, writing, gaming and maybe some morality/life lesson-y type stuff.

Persist.

jd

The Internet is Lost

Because enough people know. Because privacy here is no more. Because you can’t just be new here. You need a well designed space. An idea or a plan for the person who shows up on your site. What did you think? You could just put up a site and people would come and you would become rich. There are a million other people that did that too. How will anyone find you among a million others just like you? Because I don’t trust the internet over anything else anymore. There is nothing here but a fucking sell. You need to go back to the original quest for knowledge, other people. I don’t want what some curator found for me.

So I was looking for inspiration on the internet. Which I do now and again, but there used to be this wild west vibe here. Not so much anymore. Now whatever I find, is just some packaged bullshit. I won’t put the guy’s site here, not that anyone reads this, but if they did, I wouldn’t want to insult the guy. He’s got I right to make money, I guess. But not on MY internet! I was here first. Am I jealous and childish? Yes, I suppose. I want the romance internet, the one they will talk about in a hundred years. Where you go on and if you thought of it first, and fought hard and gained acceptance; your shit would ‘go viral’ or reach market dominance. There is no art here to me anymore.

Maybe I’m just old and tired and lacking confidence today. In the end. Persist. Carry on because there is nothing left to do but carry on.

Origins

Had a great experience at Origins 2014. Picked up a book of monster stories from authors who were all there and all friendly and all willing to sign my book. I’m very much looking forward to posting about these stories. A big thank you to the great people at www.obatron.com for letting help at their booth. I simply would not go to conventions if I didn’t have something to do there besides gaming. Oh hear comes the rant…

I can’t sit for twenty hours and play games. I’m good for four or so… And trust me, if you are sitting that long, knock it off, your killing yourself! You fucking know it’s true, but I won’t lecture any longer.

Also a great job goes out to the winners of the Origins awards. See here for winners:

http://www.bleedingcool.com/2014/06/15/the-2014-origins-award-winners-for-tabletop-gaming-with-a-few-surprises/